Encouragement for the Elder’s Wife

Introduction

When I was new to the Presbyterian church and first heard the terms “elder” and “elder’s wife”, I have to admit they sounded a bit peculiar, maybe even a tad cultish to my uninformed self. Over time, however, I’ve come to cherish these designations and the biblical weight they carry. As an elder’s wife, you’re in a peculiar position—one that is both ordinary and extraordinary. On the ordinary side, you’re called to be a godly wife, mother, and church member, just like any Christian woman. On the extraordinary side, your husband’s role as an elder gives your normal calling a distinctive flavor and carries special blessings because your husband holds a special office. That puts you in the nearest proximity to a special man, with a special work in Christ’s kingdom, and in your local church.

The implications of that cross-section between your role as a wife and your husband’s role as an elder are worth spelling out. In the first place, you have a particular duty to love and serve and help him in his ministry to the church. An elder in the church isn’t allowed to limit his concerns to that of his own family. He’s taken on a whole congregation as well.  Your husband essentially has two families. For him, there are multiple families for whom their physical, financial, and spiritual well-being are his concern. He’s a shepherd to them alongside his own home. When Paul calls the elder, “overseer” in 1 Timothy 3, it makes him responsible to watch over the flock with willingness and eagerness, and it requires him to be an example. To do this, he must be with them physically. He has to be ready to engage with them when they need help. He has to be a father to them. He’s been chosen, through his qualifications, election, and ordination, to do a particular kind of work for the body of Christ. As with all his work in this world, his wife has to be that helper suitable to come alongside him in this role.

A helpful way to think about this is to think of your work to support his work as having two sides: being “a wife to an elder” and being “an elder’s wife”. Think with me on this…

 

The Wife To An Elder

What does being “a wife to an elder” specifically look like? Think of this as the husband-facing aspect of your calling. As a Christian wife, you’re called to complement (Genesis 2:18) and compliment (1 Corinthians 11:7) your husband. You complete your husband and you add to his glory. You get to affirm his strengths as an elder, those traits which make him good at caring for the church. You also get to make him look better.

You get to pray for him (James 5:16). Your prayers for your husband, your marriage, and his ministry as an elder are uniquely powerful, as you know him best. No one can or will pray for him like you do.

You get to love and respect him (Titus 2:4; Ephesians 5:33): Showing warm, loyal affection to him and taking his leadership seriously (as the church does) encourages him in his efforts as an elder. Have you ever thought about the fact that you took double vows to your husband? Your marriage vows and your congregational vows at his ordination (PCA BCO 24:6). Both call you to honor and obey him, supporting his role as an elder (Ephesians 5:22, 24; Colossians 3:18).

You get to care for your husband’s needs through physical and relational intimacy. This intimacy strengthens your bond and protects against temptation (1 Corinthians 7:2–5). The weight he feels from shepherding the people needs the counterbalance of your tender care for him.

As with any Christian wife, you get to speak honestly with your husband, with gentleness, kindness, and patience, avoiding contentiousness (1 Peter 3:4; Titus 2:5, Proverbs 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15). But what a blessing to him when your words are a source of calm and encouragement when the shepherding issues he’s immersed in may be full of strife.

In addition, your work is for your children too. The duties of a wife of an elder toward her family belong to every Christian mother, but particularly tie her husband’s service to the church. His children are rightly part of his qualification for office. Titus 2:4 says we’re to love our children and be workers at home, our primary focus area. Working at home includes being a disciplinarian. Think how many times Proverbs highlights the presence of mom in concern for her son’s learning wisdom (Pr 1:8; 6:20; 29:15, 17). To that end, mom has a special place of keeping her husband, the elder, informed about what’s going on with the kids: their trials, afflictions, rebellions, the holes in their sanctification, as well as their growth and maturation, and who and how their friends are.

An elder husband needs specific help with his engagement with the family. For the ruling elder specifically, he’s managing a primary vocation that pays the bills, and another vocation to a church with its schedule. He’s probably going to need your help staying in tune to children’s games and graduations, where he needs to be and when, and names and updates on their friends.

Last, but not least, in your duties to the family is your support and enthusiasm for family worship (Eph 5:25-27). Encourage him in his efforts to make it a priority for your family to hear from God in a regular, daily way.

One more of your husband-facing obligations as a wife to an elder is toward the home you live in. The elder’s obligation to have a well-managed household as it says in 1 Tim 3:5, means that you need to supportively work to that end, that your home is both orderly and livable. When your home is well-ordered, you increase everybody’s capacity for doing good and you’re more ready for hospitality.

 

The Elder’s Wife

So you’re a “wife to an elder”, but you’re also an “elder’s wife.” This slight turn of phrase has a different angle. Think of this as your church-facing side of your role.

From this perspective, you’re still complementing (completing) your husband in this, but more specifically for the church’s benefit, fostering the respect of other people for him and their benefits from his labor. A good place to start is to ask yourself, what do people see in my actions as I relate to my husband, and do I help him get useful church-work done?

Here again, you’re the supportive spouse. When your attitude and actions toward him and your conduct in the rest of life are godly, you’re preserving and adding to his reputation and ministry. People will pick up on when you commend his wisdom or refer to his disciplines or honor his character. It increases their confidence in following him.

You’re also the careful coworker with your husband. Being that helper fit for him, it’s highly likely you’ll need to partner with him in his work as an elder. Be your husband’s eyes and ears. Pay attention to what’s happening in the congregation. In many situations, you’re more likely to have better knowledge of relational issues and be more familiar with corners of the church that your husband isn’t always around, like the nursery or with widows. This may also mean going along on shepherding visits or even privately counseling with someone. And have no fear here, if you’re called to this, the Lord will equip you for it.

You’re to be the proactive parent. Recognizing that dual family situation already mentioned, you can’t allow him to neglect the primary calling to his own children. And on the flip side, if you have younger children, you may need to assume majority parenting duty at times to free him up to tend to the sheep.

And you’re the hospitable home and heart in the context of the church. Keeping your home open fits with the biblical command (1 Tim 3:8; Titus 1:8) but it’s not just feeding people at your house. It’s more specifically a loving and welcoming disposition towards strangers near and far, towards church visitors, a willingness to sacrifice to make others welcome in church and in your home.

As an elder’s wife, you’re a praying partner. You may know things others in the church don’t know and never will, and therefore you get to be the one to pray for them. If you aren’t really feeling up to the task of elder’s wife, or if you aren’t finding any affection for the family of your local church, take the time to pray personally for them. Your love for them will grow so much.

Be engaged in the life of the body and ministries of the church. Certainly through morning and evening worship, but also attending major church-wide events whenever possible. Simply being present, getting to know the sheep your husband shepherds, tells them you love them and that your church is there for them.

Finally, an elder’s wife is also a serious disciple of Christ. Your church has a very reasonable expectation that you, as an elder’s wife, will have some wisdom, or at least the humility to find it. Faithfully pursuing Bible reading and study, prayer, and scripture memory is the surest way to do this. An elder’s wife has a duty to understand theology, the work, as well as the policy and actions of the session, and to be an advocate for your husband and the whole of the session. Your personal piety is your greatest asset as an elder’s wife. Nothing will do more to prepare and sustain you in this calling than to grow in your holiness.

 

The Blessing of Being an Elder’s Wife

The obligations that going along with being married to an elder may feel overwhelming when you see them all brought together, but you do well to remember that this role comes with treasured blessings. You’re married to an exceptional man, and that’s been confirmed both by church leaders and the church as a whole! When you doubt that, go back and read the passages on the qualifications for elders and see what others have seen in him. It’s also a privilege and a blessing to be intimately woven into the lives of the people of the church. God handpicked you to be a leader’s wife to those people in your church because you specifically are right for the job. When Paul says in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” That applies to you, and the particular life God has marked out for you, preparing you for this role, equipping you to serve alongside your husband in His church. There may be times when you’d love to be anonymous at church or maybe know less about something. But being married to an elder means having to have your heart bound to where Christ’s heart is bound. Eph 5:25… “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” There’s a joy in experiencing up close all the Lord is doing in the lives of his people. It’s getting to watch the kingdom of God be built in real time.

It’s a blessing to be pushed to strengthen your faith and knowledge, and to seek out biblical answers and resources. We’re commanded to do this in 2 Peter 3:18 when he says, “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” Being an elder’s wife is great accountability to do this. You’re forced to rise to the occasion.

What a blessing as well that our children have a front-row seat to witness how our husbands and our families love the church and all the people of the church. Your kids get to witness a visit to a widow’s home, or be the first to see a new baby when you bring a meal to a new mom. As an elder’s family, your children see that your husband sacrifices and gives of himself to the church and the sheep when it isn’t even his full-time job. Your children get to see over and over again that the people in the household of faith matter more than a lot of other things.

We see prayers answered, difficult decisions blessed, and situations labored over and resolved. Psalm 145:18-19 assures us, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.”

As elder’s wives, we often get to witness the Lord’s work more clearly, more nearly. You may get to see struggling marriages redeemed, pornography addictions overcome, and rebellious children repent, that others in the church never even knew about.

Lastly, and perhaps the biggest blessing of all is seeing our own need for Christ and having his sufficiency confirmed in the work around us. Being reminded daily that it’s not us, and it’s not our husband, but it is Christ who is accomplishing his work within his church. We know how big and plentiful the work is. We know in our own strength or in our husbands’ strength, it will fail. As elder’s wives, we have no choice but to see that only Christ can do what needs to be done in his church. We just get to be used by him. John 15:5 comes to mind, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Remember, elder’s wife, you’re ordinary. The things you’re called to be and do are the same as every believing wife of any man. However, you are extraordinary. The amount of good that you can do for your husband, home, and church is particular. It is special. You’re in a privileged place, you have a godly and honored man, better access, a better platform, and better resources than many others. As Paul closes his letter to the Christians of Galatia, he said this, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith (Gal 6:9-10).

Ladies, you have a great opportunity to do great good: to your husband, your family, your home, and Christ’s church. Embrace your calling, trust Christ’s strength, and serve with joy, knowing your reward is coming.