Dear Pastor,
I know I haven’t been the best husband or father in the past. I just feel that the reason my wife and kids don’t believe is because of me. Sometimes—and I know this isn’t theologically correct, but…—it feels as if God can’t save them because of my sin. I am sometimes hounded by thoughts like: “If I just didn’t have those seasons of life. Or, if I was much better by now then my family would believe.”
Dear Brother,
You’ve heard me say this before but I think it’s worth repeating: “There is no such thing as theology that doesn’t change real life.” The reason I repeat that is because (as you could probably guess) I’m going to give you some theological answers. But, I don’t do so detached from your real life situation. I thoroughly believe that God has revealed doctrine to us for all of “life and godliness” (2 Pet. 1:3). I’m convinced that nothing is more practical than theology. There might be some practical applications that are needed to help you love your family and move forward in wise ways. But, without theology, it is only putting a bandaid over a gaping wound. We need genuine gospel healing and there is no gospel healing unless the gospel is actually unpacked and applied.
Let me start by saying this: You are not alone. I don’t say that to downplay your situation but rather to assure you that other Christians have trod this path before. Paul ministered to situations like yours in 1 Corinthians 7 where one of the spouses came to faith while the other spouse didn’t believe. This is not to negate the fact that we ought to be equally yoked (Deut. 7:3-4). “It is the duty of Christians to marry only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39; WCF 24.4). Yet, the Bible does not give principles only for a pristine world. It speaks into a world affected by The Fall. Amidst a difficult situation, God has given you the Holy Spirit and He will not only lead you into the truth (Jn. 16:13) but He will also empower you more and more to live by the truth (Rom. 8:13-14; WCF 13).
I think you know this already but let me say it again: Stay faithful to your wife (1 Cor. 7:12). Keep ministering to her (1 Cor. 7:14, 16). Stay focused on the Lord and live the life that He is calling you to (1 Cor. 7:17). This includes not only loving your wife but also your kids in a gospel-driven way. I know you’re doing that but I want to further encourage your conviction in this.
But, where will you receive this strength? It is true, brother, you can’t do this in your own power. Not only were you dead in sin before being born again (Gen. 2:17; Eph. 2:1-3; Rom. 5:12; WCF 6.2) but sin still lingers within in remnant form (Rom. 7:14-24; Gal. 5:16-18; WSC 82). You are still dependent upon the Lord for your growth in grace (Jn. 15:4-6; Rom. 8:4-14; WCF 16.3). Yes—and believe it!—you have died to sin definitively (Rom. 6:6-14). Don’t embrace a defeatist or victim-only mindset. Christ didn’t stay dead! Positionally, you are in union with the risen Christ and in the covenant of grace (Gal. 2:20). This covenant now “grips” you more than The Fall and Original Sin (WCF 9.4; 10.1).
No, the presence of sin isn’t eliminated yet—one day it will be (Rev. 21:1-4). For now, you must still wrestle, fight, and mortify sin in this life (WCF 15.2). You must strive to put on good works (Eph. 4:22-24; WCF 16). But, this only happens as you fix your faith upon Christ and everything that He is for you in the gospel of grace (2 Cor. 3:18; WSC 86, 89; WLC 155).
To remember that you are incapable and unwilling to do this without the free grace of God isn’t a license to wallow in defeat. When God rains down manna into our wilderness we ought not to despair that the ground can’t produce the food we need. We ought to take Him at His promise of provision and live by faith! You must use the Law lawfully and legitimately. That means that when the Law does reveal your sin and inability—and hopefully crushes you and keeps you from trusting in yourself—then you must also see that it is for the purpose of “driving you out of yourself and drawing you unto Christ” (WLC 155; Acts 2:37,41; 8:27-38; Rom. 3:21-31). Christ is not only the end but also the means of living a Christlike life.
Matter of fact, let me warn you of the subtle danger of seeing your sin as bigger than God’s pardoning and empowering grace (Rom. 5:20). This trap is like quicksand. It looks like real repentance on the surface but when embraced it suffocates one’s faith. Christ gives you all the license to not only cheerfully embrace your justification but also to embrace your sanctification. Why? Because if you have Christ then you have all the heavenly blessings (Eph. 1:3)! Let me encourage you: Christ is more gracious than you are sinful—both in His pardon of sins and in His power for new living.
That leads to the crux of your concern. Let me gently correct something you said earlier. Do you really think you’re the reason for why your family doesn’t believe? I’m not excusing your sin nor watering it down. It is true that our sin affects others. But, the only reason why someone believes is because the “Holy Spirit enables us to believe in Christ according to the gospel” (WLC 59; Rom. 10:17; 1 Cor. 2:12-16). At the end of the day, the reason above all why they don’t believe is their sinful unbelief (Ezek. 18:20; Heb. 3:12). While your sin does affect them, it is not primarily because of you that they disbelieve nor believe. They must be “savingly enlightened” in their minds (WLC 67). The Father must effectually call them to Himself while the Spirit “renews and powerfully determines their wills” (Ezek. 11:19; 36:26-27; Jn. 6:45). This doesn’t happen because of anything “in them moving Him” (WLC 67). That goes for you as well. This is incredibly humbling but the only way they will believe is by the sovereign work of God’s grace.
Does God use us? Yes! He has not only chosen all the elect in Christ but He has also chosen the means thereof (WLC 13). By “His most holy, wise, and powerful preserving and governing all His creatures”, God “orders them, and all their actions to His own glory” (WLC 18). We ought to not only pursue gospel obedience but also fulfill the Great Commission. Let’s dedicate ourselves to specific prayer for your family. I’m in this with you. I’ve written this down in my prayer journal and by the help of the Spirit we’re going to have confidence in God’s promises and plead for His mercy (WLC 180).
Again, let me come back to you. By God’s grace, the Holy Spirit has made you more sensitive to your sin (1 Tim. 1:15; 1 Jn. 1:8-10; WLC 149). This ought to remind you that if God can save you then He can save your family. Let all your reminders of your sin also be reminders of His grace (Gal. 2:20). While you seek to follow Christ and obey His Word don’t rest upon your sorrow for sin or repentance (WCF 15.3; Ezek. 36:31-32). Those are not the cause of your forgiveness nor is it ever any satisfaction for sin (WCF 15.3). That is Christ alone (Is. 43:25; Mk. 2:7-12; 1 Jn. 1:8-2:2)! Apprehend His mercy and rest upon Him alone (WCF 11.1-2; 15.2).
Let me summarize my biggest encouragements for you. First, be absorbed with Christ being your all in all (Rom. 1:16-17; 11:33-36; 1 Cor. 2; 2 Cor. 3:18; Gal. 2:16-3:14). He is sufficient for your total forgiveness (past, present, and future) and once-for-all justification (WCF 11.3-5; Rom. 8:30-39). Second, trust in His sovereign mercy and means (Acts 2:42-47; Rom. 10:13-17). Third, you are finite and He is infinite. He is more gracious than you are sinful, more powerful than you are weak, more patient than you are angry, more forgiving than you are wicked, more righteous than you are ungodly, and more preserving than you are wandering.
